If you can't change your mind, why have one?

I think I'm going to turn this back into a food blog. It'll motivate me to have fun and be creative with cooking for Juniper. I may start doing vLogs again.

So I'll delete the recent entries soon. I wish there was a way to make some private and some public entries, not one or the other.

Thanks for listening when I needed it!

Though lust do masque in ne'er so strange disguise she's oft found witty, but is never wise.

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have lust in my heart.



Every day I think of what life would be like with him. Every night I see him in my dreams. Last night I dreamt that I was in my car, my belongings packed, Juniper in the back seat and ready to go. I ended up in a place surrounded on each side by these enormous mountains and I had no idea how to get across. Suddenly he's in my passenger seat telling me where to go.

He texts me always asking me if I've left yet. I always respond with a no, I don't know where to go, or no, I can't. My responses are always met by silence and it hurts.

But why does it hurt? It should not. Still, I fantasize about him being my knight in shining armor and whisking me away to a better life. The life I should never have left.

But we can't do that. I can't do that. There can't be any dramatic rescue. I am never going to allow him to whisk me away. We have to start at square one.

I've told him more than once that I am never leaving Juniper. No one comes before her, not even myself. He always say he knows. And then he always adds she should have been mine.


I miss him. Sometimes I think it's actually the life we had that I miss. Still, I miss him.

Other things may change us, but we start and end with the family.

A fight between us about my wanting to move away turned into an heavy but diplomatic conversation. Its as if the things I have been saying for months finally hit him upside down in the head and he seemed to understand how irrational he has been. I'm glad, but my feelings stay mostly the same.

I have three choices. Move in with my parents, move to Sacramento with Juniper, or move to Redding with Roman and Juniper. I don't want to live with my parents, but if I have to I will. I'm afraid of moving to an unknown place as a single mother and trying to make it without money to start with. I hate to break up our family so I'm going to give Redding a shot.

I don't like Redding. But I'll accept it as a starting point. I'm not happy in the relationship, but maybe with a bigger deaf community and a job, I'll be a happier person. Maybe it'll mend the breaks. I won't know until I try.

In Redding, Roman will have a construction job through his uncle. It's what he's good at and likes to do. Not this stupid waiter/bartender crap. Maybe I'll like him better if he makes more money..ha-ha. I hate that he seems to have no goals or ambitions. It drives me crazy..as if he doesn't want what's best for the family.

If we go to Redding, it'll have to happen after October. Let's hope I don't go stir crazy before then.

I hate Redding.

The mind that is anxious about the future is miserable.

I am so nervous.

Mom is going to talk to dad about letting me move back in, or helping me out with a new place until I get back on my feet. Knowing dad, he's an asshole and probably will say no. I've offered to pay rent so..I'm hoping he will have a heart. My mind is going in thousands of directions and I feel physically ill.

Being jobless and a mother, I can't just move into a cheap one bedroom apartment somewhere. I need an income first. I need help. I swallowed my pride and applied for income based housing, but all I was able to do was submit a pre-application because the waiting list is not open until November. When it opens, I need to submit a full application and hope they choose me out of thousand other needy families.

I applied in Sacramento. They have a large deaf community and resources, and the cost of living is fairly low. Compared to the Bay, at least.. But I don't have any family or friends there. I want to move back to the Bay, but I can't go there and start from nothing. My family is there and I need them. I need dad to be willing to help me out. My mom has already said she will take care of Juniper while I work. Thank goodness because the thought of putting her in daycare makes me cry.



Yesterday Jesse professed his love for me and said he'll come and get me when I leave Humboldt. I'm going to pull my hair out.

I'm so completely overwhelmed.

Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go.

But sometimes I'm afraid I'm not strong enough.

I've been slowly falling out of love, but it has accelerated in the last two months or so. I no longer see him through rose tinted lenses. When I wake up in the morning and see him next to me, I no longer feel warm. Instead I'm disgusted. When I look at him, his flaws are screaming at me. I pull away at every embrace.

At this point, I don't know if it's repairable. After expressing my feelings over and over, he has been making an effort.. but only here and there. Maybe I'm not saying enough. I've always been horrible at sharing my thoughts and feelings. They're loud and clear in my head, but I'm never able to put it into words.

I dream about leaving, but I'm afraid of being alone. I'm afraid I will not make it by myself. I'm afraid no one will want me.

I need to be desired. I need someone to go through life with me. That's the only thing keeping me here.

Testing One, Two, Three...

There are too many memories in this blog so I cannot bear to delete all the old entries. I can remember each meal I posted and.. how happy I was during these days. Young, naive, and free of responsibilities.

So I'll turn this blog private. I need a place to freely write my thoughts and feelings. I used to write in my journal, but I haven't done so in months since Roman read my journal. I don't feel safe writing anymore, but I cannot blame him for reading it. Curiosity gets the best of people.

Hopefully I'll be able to compose my thoughts soon. I have months worth of heavy feelings and complicated emotions. I'm a private person and I struggle to open up, but I think it will be good to do so. Somewhat therupetic.